I’ve been in a long relationship with someone very important to me—heck, this person is my life. She’s the reason I am who I am, and she hates me. This year she became my worst enemy, yet despite how hard I try I can't end our relationship. She knows me so well it’s impossible for her to leave me alone. She takes the hold she has on me and tightens her grip till she’s stealing the breath out of me—withholding all my air. She mocks me for my shortcomings. She blows up every little imperfection that exists in my past. Points out every flaw in my appearance. Reminds me of all the ways I messed up. Takes every little moment that seems perfect and presents every single way to point out that it’s not. She often breaks my heart. She knows all my darkest secrets; the ones that very few are aware of. She criticizes all my hopes for the future and all the things I dream of coming true.
And, it’s hard to ignore her when you’re a ridiculous person like me. I listen to her and I can see all the many crazy things I do, and it’s hard to end our friendship. How can I not listen to her at times. She makes me fully aware of how crazy I am—to be living my life half in a dream. She laughs at me for the world I create for myself, for the lovely place I create inside of me. Laughing she breaks every moment in my life I stretch and expand; the moments I spend time making more than the simple moment it was. She breaks me down and hurts me. And yet, I hold on to her all the more.
I know what you’re thinking “Why do you tolerate a friend who crashes down on you and condemns you for less that what you are?”. Well, I’ve been trying to figure that out. The problem really comes down to this. I’ve realized that as I have grown up I have stuck to my childhood ways; I’ve held on to the imagination that creates my perfect world. So I let her in because I realized how fragile I have made myself holding on to this kind of imagination. Some hopes and dreams to keep me going are great, but the bigger the dream the harder I fell. So I let her in to keep me from falling to hard. Maybe life would be better without her cynical attitude, but I’m stuck with her. Because this person is....me. She is me.
I’d love to fully trust you, but she puts fear into me. When you say something to me that is so perfect, she convinces me I’m not the only one hearing those words. I’d love to hand you my heart, but she convinces me it’s not capable of being safely held; it’s to fragile to keep from shattering in your grasp. I’ll be this person forever, because she is stuck with me.
I’m not as horrible as she makes me sound. I believe in love. I believe in faith. I believe in honesty. I believe in hope. I believe there is good out there. I believe that beauty is all around me. I believe in God. I believe he loves me. I love that I'm imperfect. She might tell you I’m naive, but I choose to see the best in others. I look at my scars and I see the things I learned, when she would have me dwell on how deep the scar was, or the pain it caused.
I guess this year my goal is to lessen her hold on me. She’s going to be hard to get over completely. I know I’m fragile—but show me someone who’s perfect. Eventually she will realize I am free in knowing I have flaws. Whenever I break her grasp on me it’s like someone is showing me how to dance when it rains. It’s all about learning to love me. To love her. If I learn to do that better then maybe she wouldn’t be so hard on me. Maybe she’d stop making me stay stuck in reality, and allow me to dream. Guess that’s my new years resolution. Time to love her. Time to love that little part of me.