Everyday life

"When I get where I'm going on the far side of the sky, the first thing that I'm gonna do, is spread my wings and fly. “-Brad Paisley. 

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Lately I have been thinking a lot about the future. What’s coming for me, and what’s not? What’s going to work out, or what isn’t? What things will I accomplish? What things will slow me down? I know it’s cliche to say, but wouldn’t it be nice to see a picture of yourself down the road—see what choices helped you and which deterred you. I know it’s the choices that shape and make us, but sometimes I’m scared to mess up. I'd just like to stick to a plan that was perfect, a plan that could make me so.—drawn up—and I just follow. It scares me to go into things blind.

I know right, where’s the thrill in that? I guess that’s why life doesn’t work that way. It would be far to boring and uninteresting if everything was put down in front of us, telling us what to do. I’m just trying to accept that the world isn’t in my palms. Sometimes we just have to know when to take a deep breath and hold on tight. Take on everything as best you can.

The funny thing about life is that you have all these enormous choices to make, and after each one you think you’ve finally got to where you’ve been going. Ha! Funny. You conquer one mountain only to see another one lies on your path when you get to the top. It’s actually pretty amazing sometimes. The realization of each conquered moment is amazing. I guess we have to face one in order to realize it’s not too hard, then allowing us to take on the next one. Slightly building us up to be ready for each new step. I just keep hoping I get to were I want to be; I make it over each new mountain.

”I watch the stars from my window sill. The whole world is moving and I'm standing still” - The Weepies. It’s hard not to feel a little small in this world you often forget important details: your choices do matter, your actions do affect those around you, and you’re not as small as you think. Each small choice now can have a big effect later. If you fall don't be shocked, don't be scared, and don't lose the nerve to get back up. There is always one person who always has his arms open for you when your choices seem to hard to bear on your own.

Little Moments

There are so many little moments in life I wouldn’t trade for anything. Little special times where something small seemed monumental. You can’t forget the beauty around you; you can’t help but love little pleasures that seem surreal. 

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I love watching clouds roll by.

I love falling asleep content.

I love when I feel like there is no one else around.

I love sipping out of a straw when it’s almost empty.

I love laying on a blanket by the creek and watching the water rush by.

I love to pick up one tiny rock and listen to that one small rock as it hits the water. 

I love sleeping under the stars and your mind takes you everywhere and anywhere, but you just never can completely figure out everything—life is one big mystery.

I love echo lake and looking out in the morning before all the boats come out, staring and noticing how the sun reflects off it’s beautiful surface.

I love when I don’t let people down.

I love making popcorn and how it reminds me of home.

I love to run.

I love feeling sand under my feet.

I love when you can feel the sun warm on your cheeks.

I love when you are in a moment when you know you shouldn’t be anywhere else.

I love accomplishing goals.

I love feeling completely safe.

I love when you smile for no reason besides the fact that you love each new morning.

I love when I finish things before deadlines.

I love music. 

I love finding inspiration in little things around me.

I love being wrapped up in a big hug.

I love when the clock randomly decides to go by slowly at just the right moments.

I love when snowflakes are brilliantly large.

I love making Ryker smile.

I love looking up and letting big raindrops fall on my face.

I love dancing in the kitchen.

I love when the sky has pink and purple shades in it. 

I love sunrises.

I love the smell after it rains.

I love being addicted to the simple things.

I love cuddling in a blanket.
I love watching movies in the hallway.
I love sucking loudly on popsicles.

I love how simple it is to love people. 

It’s so easy to fall in love with perfect simple little moments. Just reach out and grab them. Don’t go half way. Don’t offer me half of a small and simple moment, expecting that to be enough for me. Each little thing, is not a little thing to me. 

Family

My cousin Monika is an amazing person. I love her just like a sister because since I was little she has always seemed like my sister. One summer she basically lived with us while working for my dad. We always went to visit her and her family in Edmonton. I have so many memories—great family memories—that she was a part of. She is beautiful inside and out. Over christmas break I had the opportunity to see her and her growing little family! Six months ago she was blessed with two little beautiful twins: Hunter and Brooke. 

Brooke is a little sweet heart who is just as beautiful as her mom. Little Hunter is the cutest thing and he is in love with girls. Haha, it's true at six months he already loves the women. Monika told me that if he likes you he will stick his tongue out at you. It was hilarious because whenever I would walk into his view he would stick his tongue out at me and smile. I fell in love with him instantly.

Hunter unfortunately was born with many health problems. Which kept him in the hospital till he was three months old. However, he is a strong little fighter and despite having only one working lung and problems with his heart, he is giving it his all to stay here with his new family who loves him. He was supposed to have gone in for open heart surgery on Friday, but unfortunately he got sick and it has been postponed. 

I know you don't know this perfect little angel, but I would hope that whether you believe in the power and blessing of prayer or not—you will pray for him. He needs all the help he can get.

"Faith makes all things possible"

"Wherever we may be, our Heavenly Father can hear and answer the prayer offered in faith." - Thomas S. Monson

False.

 

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If I hide from it it won’t bother me

It’s not that you’re afraid, it’s just out of your control

If I close my eyes and count to ten I’ll be thinking clearly again

It doesn’t actually affect me

I should give up

It’s going to be too much

Life's on repeat

 False.

Never give up on the things that make you smile. Always believe in the things that make you laugh. Cherish the moments that make your day. Even if they don't come when you wish they would. Cherish them before they’re gone. You’ll never find happiness if you’re not trying to share it. Bask in hope—hope is its own kind of happiness. Be thankful for every little beautiful thing you get to enjoy. Don’t be afraid to be honest.

 “Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.” Bill Cosby

Don't let nobody hurt you.

I’ve been in a long relationship with someone very important to me—heck, this person is my life. She’s the reason I am who I am, and she hates me. This year she became my worst enemy, yet despite how hard I try I can't end our relationship. She knows me so well it’s impossible for her to leave me alone. She takes the hold she has on me and tightens her grip till she’s stealing the breath out of me—withholding all my air. She mocks me for my shortcomings. She blows up every little imperfection that exists in my past. Points out every flaw in my appearance. Reminds me of all the ways I messed up. Takes every little moment that seems perfect and presents every single way to point out that it’s not. She often breaks my heart. She knows all my darkest secrets; the ones that very few are aware of. She criticizes all my hopes for the future and all the things I dream of coming true. 

And, it’s hard to ignore her when you’re a ridiculous person like me. I listen to her and I can see all the many crazy things I do, and it’s hard to end our friendship. How can I not listen to her at times. She makes me fully aware of how crazy I am—to be living my life half in a dream. She laughs at me for the world I create for myself, for the lovely place I create inside of me. Laughing she breaks every moment in my life I stretch and expand; the moments I spend time making more than the simple moment it was. She breaks me down and hurts me. And yet, I hold on to her all the more.

I know what you’re thinking “Why do you tolerate a friend who crashes down on you and condemns you for less that what you are?”. Well, I’ve been trying to figure that out. The problem really comes down to this. I’ve realized that as I have grown up I have stuck to my childhood ways; I’ve held on to the imagination that creates my perfect world. So I let her in because I realized how fragile I have made myself holding on to this kind of imagination. Some hopes and dreams to keep me going are great, but the bigger the dream the harder I fell. So I let her in to keep me from falling to hard. Maybe life would be better without her cynical attitude, but I’m stuck with her. Because this person is....me. She is me.

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I’d love to fully trust you, but she puts fear into me. When you say something to me that is so perfect, she convinces me I’m not the only one hearing those words.  I’d love to hand you my heart, but she convinces me it’s not capable of being safely held; it’s to fragile to keep from shattering in your grasp. I’ll be this person forever, because she is stuck with me. 

I’m not as horrible as she makes me sound. I believe in love. I believe in faith. I believe in honesty. I believe in hope. I believe there is good out there. I believe that beauty is all around me. I believe in God. I believe he loves me. I love that I'm imperfect. She might tell you I’m naive, but I choose to see the best in others. I look at my scars and I see the things I learned, when she would have me dwell on how deep the scar was, or the pain it caused. 

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I guess this year my goal is to lessen her hold on me. She’s going to be hard to get over completely. I know I’m fragile—but show me someone who’s perfect. Eventually she will realize I am free in knowing I have flaws. Whenever I break her grasp on me it’s like someone is showing me how to dance when it rains. It’s all about learning to love me. To love her. If I learn to do that better then maybe she wouldn’t be so hard on me. Maybe she’d stop making me stay stuck in reality, and allow me to dream. Guess that’s my new years resolution. Time to love her. Time to love that little part of me.